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[22 Jul 2030|12:26am] |
Storylines. Scene Requests. ETC.
current location: New York
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[09 Mar 2011|10:42pm] |
Ever find it hard to be happy for a friend? Like, you know you should be super happy for them...but you're not...you kinda more focused on yourself and your own issues to be happy for them? Does that make you a shitty friend? I think it does. I mean it's like...hello...stop thinking about yourself and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your stupid little issues...duh. But then, being that shitty friend...like you just can't seem to not focus on your issues...like, okay, have you ever been in a situation where like you are afraid to stop thinking about your issues?
Lemme see if I can make this all make sense. Like, if you stop thinking about and focusing on your problem or issue or whatever...then you are starting the process of letting go and moving on right? Well, what if you don't wanna move on....or you are afraid to move on? I mean what then? We've all met those sad lonely people who seem to be stuck in their past and have all thought....omg I would never become like that. At least I have and now...god I actually understand why they become that person. It's scary. Like the idea of having to actually process all your emotions over things. So then it comes down to...do I become numb and keep everything at the back of my mind...or do you try and purge it all out and spend the rest of your life in tears?
I know it has to sound stupid to some of you out there right? And honestly my issues really go beyond like my one big problem...just that problem brought all this to light and there is no going back you know? Like...I have to move forward and move on...which I thought I was kinda doing...but there is not kinda about it all you just have to go for it and do it. Then again if you don't do it your only choice is to remain stuck...forever
I feel stuck. Mainly I think I am stuck cause I can't look past myself to move on. I have that whole...I am my worst enemy thing playing in my head. And I am not saying that it should be easy, I mean lord knows, I've treated other like shit. I mean I know that you only get as good as you give...I guess I just always thought that if I stayed drunk and high all the time I would never really feel it when the shit hit the fan you know?
Like, you gotta face your sins. Which, Jesus Christ, let me tell you how hard that is...my god have I got some ugly ass skeletons in my freaken' closet. Damn. But you know...in facing my sins or my errors or whatever...I've learned that I am a real asshole. It's true...like I always thought I was just kinda an asshole, but no, I am all asshole. I had a friend give me the cold hard truth earlier today and I was mad and upset at first....but he was right. I am worthless. I am worthless because I treat people I "care" about as if they were worthless and because I treat myself like I am worthless. Like is there any turning back once you reach that point? Can you take something worthless and make it something amazing? And I mean amazing...not like that recycled art crap the left over hippies in soho make, but really amazing stuff.
I think that sometimes when something is broken it can be repaired, but more often than not...it's just broken and it needs to be junked. I let myself get broken a long time ago...and I've just been kidding myself on the repairs. But it's cool. People can wonder around this world broken forever. You all see them, I know I do...they are those mindless zombies that when you look into their eyes you can just see they gave up long ago. Sometimes you have to...sometimes it easier...sometimes you aren't strong enough. It's cool. The world needs the mindless broken zombies to keep the wheels turning for everyone else. Just the cycle of life.
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| Break Away |
[28 Feb 2011|12:43am] |
God, I've forgotten how much I love warm weather...yes spring please get here soon!!!
I've been doing a lot of self evaluating stuff lately, and I am sure you guys don't wanna hear about so suffice to say all this thinking has prompted some action on my part. Originally I was going to head out to La to stay with a friend of mine and "discover" myself, but then I decided that I am too damn old to be discovering myself. I really thought mid-life crisis only happened to old white guys with wives and kids and 9 to 5 jobs with kids and all that crap...then I stumbled into mine. The man I thought I was isn't really the man I want to be anymore.
Anyway, back to the La move...it didn't really happen. Going to La would be going back to an old way of life that I no longer want to be a part of so it's time to break away. Well, semi-break away I mean I suck at just picking up and moving away totally from those I know, (inner coward or hopeless romantic...it's a toss up).
So yes, new location, new job, new place to stay, and...new pet. Let me introduce you to Ewok, he's my new baby.
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[01 Feb 2011|09:56pm] |
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First day of work and I manage to hurt myself...what the hell.
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| My friends are evil. |
[29 Jan 2011|09:41pm] |
I am currently looking for a roommate....well actually I am looking for an apartment as well but I thought if maybe I could find a roommate first then the apartment hunting might be easier.
Anyway, back to why my friends are evil. I mention all this roommate/apartment hunting stuff to a friend who had to show me the movie trailer for the new movie the roommate. This movie reminds me of single white female. So now here comes the issue of the whole update. HOW THE HELL DO YOU FIND A NORMAL PERSON TO ROOM WITH? Like where are these normal people at because apparently everyone is either weird/freaky or damn evil. I have only done a few interviews and all but damn! New York seems to one really crazy-ass town. Because yes, I would rather think everyone in this entire town is crazy and insane...instead of it just being me who is crazy and insane....yes.
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[17 Jan 2011|12:58am] |
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My radio hates me...and I get it...I'm a jerkface...Damn.
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[12 Jan 2011|02:16am] |
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I think we all have those moments in life where it seems to spin out of control. We stumble around trying to find our barrings once more so we can appear calm on the outside ( ....but on the inside.... )
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[03 Jan 2011|06:57pm] |
Back in the early nineties I went to rehab for a drug addiction. I went mainly to appease my friends which of course is not a very good reason to do rehab because you become like me...a very good actor. I went through the motions and learned all the right things to say and was finally released on the grounds that I was cured. Naturally I wasn't really cured or better or anything of the sort I had just stopped taking drugs, but the addictive side or addictive issues were still present in me because I hadn't really dealt with them yet. So the years moved on and I have found minor more "healthy" things to become my addictions.
I bring all this up because I once had a sponsor to tell me that the moment a user or ex-user starts to feel depressed or anxious....it's a good time to find an addicts meeting. Even with that knowledge I still am hesitant to head off to meetings. The hesitation comes from my issue with control and I would venture to say most addicts struggle with control. To a certain extent I think everyone likes to feel they have control over their lives and the direction their lives take. I was once told that ninety percent of all the choices we make in life are made out of regret and fear. Take a moment and really think about that statement. I think it has truth behind it. I know for myself the fear of making past mistakes or having to deal with past hurts again is what drives me in my choices. I would like to think that those fears lead me to make correct choices and better choices but I am sure you can guess that the fears are what lead me to make the same horrible choices again and again.
Sometimes it takes falling on your face to really realize everything you have lost....sometimes it takes falling on your face a hundred times before you actually realize your mistakes. I'm kind of a stubborn man so you can just image how many times it takes for me to learn things, and even once I have learned something...I can't promise that I wont forget it or need a reminder.
Anyway, I guess I bring all this up to say that this indeed is a new year and time for new starts and putting the past behind you and moving on and such. However, it is also a time to remember where you have come from and how and who have helped you get to where you are today. Most importantly one should remember to keep moving forward...falling back into the past or into old habits never helps anyone...take it from someone who has done it more often than once.
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[10 Dec 2010|12:30am] |
When I look into your eyes
Everything gonna be alright
Cause you're the reason there's a rainbow in my sky
Cause of you I can finally live my dream now
Cause of you there's a rainbow in my sky
And I know we will walk this road together
Just the two of us
To guide the stormy weather
When I look into your eyes
Everything gonna be alright
Cause you're the reason there's a rainbow in my sky
Back in November I got to spend time with Sean and the family and you know what I realized. I am one lucky bastard. For once in my life I am in a peaceful relationship. I mean Sean and I have our disagreements at times, but we hardly ever fight any more and for me that is a miracle. I'm a diva and I like getting way...usually cause my way is right! With that in mind, I feel like I don't have to be that Diva around Sean because he really does have my best interest in mind as much as I have his. I know to most people like the stuff I am saying should be a duh kinda thing in relationships, but apparently I am slow and it takes me a while to figure these things. On the other hand...maybe it just took me finding the right guy first. I love you Sean.
And no gay comment from Tyler...or I will kick your butt.
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| OMG |
[01 Dec 2010|10:13pm] |
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So, I have had a stomach virus all day today! I HATE BEING SICK. But what is worse is I hate being sick and alone. Why is it when you are icky and achy and sick you just wanna cuddle and be all snuggled up with someone? Well I have all day, but that would be really shitty of me to snuggle up and give this to Sean since he still can't move around a ton. Anyway, because I am an awesome and caring boyfriend I have been quarantined to our bedroom upstairs which wouldn't be too bad except even my dog can't really make it up and down the stairs like he use to so I HAVE BEEN ALL ALONE! I look like a freaken' caterpillar in a cocoon all wrapped up in my blankets. I have done nothing all day except text everyone and their brother and even called Sean down stairs...and I am noting but a whiny baby and I DON'T CARE DON'T JUDGE.
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[04 Nov 2010|09:46pm] |
Hope everyone had a good Halloween. I know I did, but then again I enjoy most of my Halloweens. Getting to dress up and pretend to be someone else for a night it always a blast. I kid with some of my friends that I really should have gotten into acting because I am sure I could have become an amazing in-character actor. I think my venture into becoming a drag queen was really all about the idea of becoming someone else.
I have always liked myself so it wasn't about self-hate it was more about correcting things I thought was wrong with myself. The idea of all my faults coming out as strengths when I was in drag. I mainly keep my drag just for the club because I no longer need it in my personal life.
I can accept myself as Dan...with a great many strengths and weakness and I am okay with all of them.
And this was so not where I was going with all this so I think I shall stop now.
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| Drama! |
[25 Sep 2010|01:45am] |
Maury, Jerry, Montel...why are these shows on at the worst hours when you should be sleeping and yet you get sucked and then you really can't sleep. Why is the trailer trash human drama always so addictive? Coming from the rural south I get it...there are special people out here, but damn.
I can't stop watching! I can't stop and I need to get up early and Sean is encouraging this...what a jerk. I am going to have to sleep in the guest room from now on so I can actually freaken sleep...but right now we are about to found out if michelle's fiancee has been sleeping with her daddy! Go Maury!
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| Nosocomephobia and Iatrophobia are real bitches right about now... |
[28 Jul 2010|04:15pm] |
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I hate hospitals...I hate everything to do with hospitals.
I try to avoid them I really do and I love my alternative medicines, but sometimes you just gotta go to the hospital. Like for instance, you gotta go to a hospital if you are hit by a car! Stupid drivers! I can report however that Sean is doing great and other than some minor pain his only complaint is he's bored...go figure. Me on the other hand has been a total wreck which I feel ridicules is saying, but it's true. I went to go see a hypnotherapist today about seeking some treatment for my nosocomephobia and iatrophobia so that I could stay at the hospital more with Sean and not have a panic attack. I mean Sean is the one laying in bed injured and all I should be trying to take care of him not the other way around. Anyway, I am talking to the doc before my session and he basically tells me that he thinks because my phobia's stem from deep personal experiences that hypnosis wont effect them long term so that I should try and seek a therapist. REALLY?!? So bottom line...I am too fucked up to be hypnotized, fan-fuckin-tastic!
The only good thing that has come out of this is that my herbal store got in an order of Calming Essence, which is a herbal alternative for say Prozac. It taste like crap, but if it works and lets me spend time with Sean so that I am not spazzing out...well I can't really complain about the taste then.
On another note, thanks to everyone who has shown up at the hospital for Sean, and thanks for your added support, prayers, and thoughts. It has all been really appreciated.
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[22 Jul 2010|12:33am] |
 Daniel Maynard Fox
 Born in Texas to Southern Baptist Preacher William Fox and his wife Maryann Fox
 Spent a year studying Dance at Juilliard before dropping out and finishing his schooling at University of Texas majoring in Dance. University of Texas was also where he discovered his love of Cheerleading.
 To help pay for his college career Dan became a male stripper and drag queen performer under the name "Dixie Pie".
 After college Dan had a few jobs before landing as assistant cheerleading coach to the Dallas Cheerleaders only to take over at head coach the following year.
 Owned and operated a small chain of sport fashion clothing stores in Texas.
Use to own an art gallery in Dallas with former boyfriend and singer Joel Chapman
Moved to New York and started the gay night club BackStreets
Is currently engaged to be married to Sean Chadwick member of the boy band Espresso.
Owns a small mute Pomeranian named Fizz Gig
Back in College he injured his knee severely during cheerleading resulting to his addiction and rehabilitation of prescription pills.
Has been arrested several times on drug possession charges (mostly marijuana).
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